French arrogance, the humour factor

As a bicultural cross-cultural trainer specialising in Chinese and French cultures as well as customer service, I had many opportunities to reflect upon the topic of French arrogance ( including my own). There are several reasons which explain why other cultures perceive French people as arrogant. One of them is their special way of practising their art of humour.

What to do with these « bloody » French who joke in such an arrogant manner ?

Here are a few keys to handle that confrontational yet friendly French humour…, oddly enough, it is not such a sign of hostility or despise. And you will get a glimpse of how French people deal with problems as well.

French people are confrontational

If you refer to Erin Meyer’s opus, The Culture Map, you will clearly see that French people are emotionally more expressive, as well as very confrontational in comparison with other cultures. What does that mean ?

French people strongly believe in the freedom of speech, the freedom to voice out their opinions whenever they feel like to . That behaviour probably stems from the famous movement of the Lumières ( Siècle des Lumières) , an intellectual movement that led to the French Revolution , the Human Rights Declaration and the abolition of slavery and aristocratic privileges.

Voltaire and democracy

Beware, even though French people like to voice out their opinions freely ( Je Suis Charlie ) , they insist on the way things should be said . Again, this dates back from the 17th and 18th century when the French language upgraded itself, to become  » precious » ( précieux) , developping new sophisticate wordings that are still used nowadays ( for instance at the end of letters) . That sophistication was supposed to impress the rest of Europe, showing off how the Kingdom of France was a leading civilisation in arts, literature and sciences. L’esprit français was born .

Thus, French people  » wear political gloves » ( prennent des gants) , preferring to use conditional tenses, or expressions such as  » It seems to me that » ,  » i would rather say that » or  » It ‘s quite original ». In fact, saying things too bluntly eg.with present tenses ( « I dont like », « it is bad ») , can be considered very rude, especially with strangers ( including office colleagues) .

NB- Unfortunately, too many French managers still believe that being rude and blunt enhances their power….This is changing now, thanks to self-development and awareness training workshops being held everywhere, including in public administrations.

French humour, errr….

French people are not afraid to voice out opinions …which leads to a certain style of humour that foreigners often consider rude, arrogant, self-righteous, critical, bullying, negative, hostile..etc. Most stand-up comedy shows are based on this kind of provocative humour. Some comedians practise an extreme form of it called « humour méchant » ( bad humour).

On a daily basis, French people practise a certain art of teasing that is a definite no-no in most implicit, less confrontational cultures ( basically all of them ! ) . I often meet French trainees who are really dumbfounded about this . We just do not realise how negatively this can be perceived by foreigners. It can be very damaging in customer service.

Last summer , I visited a rose garden near Paris. After walking 200m , I realised the map they had given me was in Russian. I walked back to the counter desk and a lady tried to joke at me quite brazenly in front of her 2 colleagues  » How come you cannot speak Russian ? « , she said.

She was actually trying to keep face and make it casual for me . Alas too common with untrained and even trained service staff. Many French staff do not understand this spoils the customer experience, especially when poorly done.

« L’humour vache « or « la vanne » is a national sport among French people. It can be a poisonous arrow aiming at hurting the enemy in a very sophisticate manner, like it was for Voltaire, the prince of irony whose famous sarcasms would nowadays be labelled  » bitchy ».

Nowadays, such a provocative teasing has even become a way of showing affection or maintaining cohesion in a group ! Yes, shooting a bonne vanne to a coworker , a friend or a relative can perfectly be a way of showing affection to that person. Believe me !

It is not unsusual at all in many French teams to spice up the day by poking fun at coworkers in front of the whole team. For example, «  Wow John, you ‘re wearing funny shoes today ! « .

Or mocking colleagues in front of them :  » Don’t listen to Marie, she is always ranting about her computer. She doesnt know how to use it anyway, she is still learning how to press the on -off button. Ha ha ! « .

If Marie were Chinese, she would most likely feel humiliated because she would not see it as a 2nd degree joke . She could even wonder if the joker wants to bully her or if he wants to ostracise her from the group. She could burst in anger and become violent if she thinks she has lost face.

If Marie were French, she would most likely laugh and feel flattered by the attention. As a French Chinese bicultural person, I have reactions from both cultures depending on the context , but here I would react as a French and share the laughter, because I would take it as something supposed to « make me feel cute » + make me laugh while struggling on my PC .

The French do not like to lose face either , but you really have to insult them and be openly icily agressive and rude to do so.

In many indirect feedback cultures, it is very rude and threatening to poke fun at someone in public. Why ? Because they fear losing face, they fear looking ridiculous . Poking fun at someone within a group or even face- to -face jeopardizes the harmonious atmosphere of group cooperation. It will be considered very humiliating and negative to mock any member of the group. For instance, Asian and Latin cultures do not enjoy much such behaviours.

I remember having a Latam client working in a big French corporation. One day, we were talking in her office when one of her French coworkers popped in. He uttered a lousy sarcastic joke about her French. Her level was actually excellent, but he pretended he would never understand what she said….

I felt embarassed  ( especially as a stranger) as it is was quite obvious my client was upset. As she remained speechless, I took her defence and joked back at him . He had not noticed at all how upset she was. After he left, I could see she had been disturbed by his words .

In this case, oddly enough, I would dare say that this French male coworker actually wanted to show his attraction to her , and was probably interested in chasing her. ….but his repulsive approach was clearly doomed to failure with this Latina lady…and most ladies anyway.

How to face such « jokes » or  » vannes » ?

One way is to shoot back with another joke ! Just enter the game and play . Counter-joking is a « fake humorous argument  » sport that French people do really enjoy. Enjoy yourself. Of course, proceed gently according to the level of bond you have with the other party. Do not do that on a first date, a first meeting of any kind. Go for something more consensual.

If you cannot shoot back because nothing comes to your mind ( if this habit is not usual in your culture, you are likely to remain speechless, let alone shocked ) , just laugh , take it easy. no need to speak much, simply acknowledge that this joke may be a kind of « tribute » to you.

A French friendly person who jokes at you this way, has most likely positive feelings for you, as incredible as it may seem. It can even be a way to initiate with you some banter or even flirt.

A real French « enemy » will usually remain silent, ignore you. He or she may crack ironical jokes at you in a very sour -icy manner ( mean voice, avoiding eye contact, despise). Your French enemies have no time to waste kidding you.

If you lack ammunition, you do not need to respond to the joke directly, just say a comment about the joker :  » Well, Christophe, you’re in great shape today, what did you have at breakfast ?  » or tell another coworker  » Waow, Michel is being on a performing mood this morning. Hey Michel, you watched too many Jim Carrey DVDs last night or what ? « 

If the same odd jokes keep repeating too often for your comfort, shoot something like «  well, your CD seems to have some scratches, it’s about time to change your play list, man ».

Apologising, damage control

As Jean Cocteau once said, « it ‘s important to know up to where you can go too far.  »

You can always tell a French person that his or her humour is too offensive to your ears, and rest assured that the other party will quickly apologise . Feel free to let them know that in your culture , this game is not played ( that way) . Remember, everyone is free to voice out one’s feelings or opinions in France.

You could say «  I am not at ease with this kind of jokes. Too French for me » ,  » sorry, but in my culture, this would be considered quite critical, I do not feel comfortable, so , if you could avoid that, I would appreciate. » .

French people generally have no problems apologising or analysing issues , unlike some cultures who prefer to pretend nothing happened because it is too unpleasant or face-losing to raise past incidents. This is one positive aspect of confrontationality that remains quite unsaid, in my opinion.

French people are not afraid to face a problem upfront and deal with them verbally. In other culthures, it may be very touchy and may require a strong bond with the other party before open-hearted talks can start.

We the French love so much debating on problems that we have TV experts debates galore , all dedicated to our other national sport: dissecting problems , especially to find out their origins ( historical, technological, sociological, etc) . The French believe that the answer lies in the question, this stems from a philosophical conception of thinking : defining the   » bottom line » question will prompt the right answer.

The Cartesian thinking French prefer to discuss issues and voice out their doubts, so that everything is clean and clear as soon as possible. They fear failure and unforeseen risks, therefore French people prefer to invest time in discussing everything as early as possible before action.

In other cultures, this may be perceived as dwelling too much on the past, rather than enjoying the present and the future. Making a fuss of nothing instead of taking action.

Thus, my last but not least crosscultural advice in this post would be the following: if you have doubts that you may have done something inappropriate or upsetting somehow to a French person, do not hesitate to proactively raise the question and check . Of course, do dare to offer a word of apology, explanation or regret to the other party. It could be by email, text, telephone if you cannot handle a face-to-face. More often than not, leaving it to rot in silence boomerangs back later as a source of regrets ….You may miss great opportunities or spoil promising relationships without knowing it.

Clarification is much appreciated in France and will smooth out most of your conflicts and problems . The courage of raising the point proactively and the determination to « clean up one’s act » is definitely a sign of maturity, respect, savoir-vivre, class, and emotional intelligence in the eyes of French people.

On the contrary, keeping mum , refusing to discuss a problem, a past mistake , will be seen as a weakness, a sin of pride. The real strength is to discuss issues openly.

Remember that the word « Courage » means the « strength of the heart » . It is much valued in a problem-focused country who dreads risks so much.

Wanting to know more about French culture and practise our funny jokes, feel free to contact me for a coaching program  !

Laurence Kam-Thong. Tous droits réservés. 2018

About the author : Crosscultural trainer and consultant, Laurence also trains French civil servants from government organisations,  as well as executives and expatriates from private corporations. Her main areas of expertise : FarEastern and French cultures, French language in corporate contexts, Stakeholders and Customer Service processes, storytelling and pitching.